What You Know

    Ignorance is a funny thing, and has been pondered on by quite a few philosophers, scholars, and plenty of arrogant and prideful people like myself. The problem with each one is this: none of us know what we don't know. It has been said that you don't TRULY understand a topic until you can teach it at the most basic of levels, while I don't necessarily agree with this quote, I think it points to the fact that humility is about serving those you are teaching, and teaching is about serving those who are learning. There's a few more layers to it as well.

    One of my new friends here at the base has said this "I like to really only talk about what I know and have experienced." In many ways her humble behavior is the embodiment of the proverb "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise, when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." This is a principle I have a lot of struggle with, at least in this season. I never really considered myself someone who was outspoken, but have learned that I can be someone who's very outspoken and always has something to say. I am glad that this is something that has been revealed to me, and feel humbled by the fact that not everybody wants to listen to every word I say. After all, there's hardly times when I listen to every word anyone else says. Yet this is where I'm at, while I know that there is a potential for me to be a better listener, I thank God that the process right now is bearing fruits in listening and staying focused. 

    Generally speaking I'm a person who is often far forward, and highly idealistic. While I'm beginning to realize just how opposite this is to the friend whom I've aforementioned, I've pondered greatly the concept of dynamic opposites not being opposite, but truly complimentary. The reason is this: If I can communicate all the words in every language, but am not rooted in reality about myself or my identity in Christ, i.e Love, I have and am nothing. All my words are just clanging cymbals and noisy gongs. I must be grounded, and be able to talk from a place of experience and position of my heart. 

    So often, however, my heart is full of doubt, worry, anxiety and fear on whether the right thing is this or that. These are things that are often difficult for me to talk about because of wanting to stay independent and not knowing whether I can trust people to give me worthwhile advice and counsel. Yet this couldn't be further from the truth that God speaks, and how I am supposed to be able to make the heart connection is unbeknownst to me, I must admit. I'm sure that this is such a process for a time as this, and feel certain that it's coming soon. 

God - the God of should's

     "Hey, you just 'should' on me." is a quote I was given once. My good friend and discipler once said this to me while I was trying to administer some wisdom and advice on how he should handle his situation he was going through. I thought it was funny, but he did not think it was funny, and it really opened my eyes to the way I commanded and sort of pushed people into the gospel and into wisdom. "You should really believe on Jesus", or "you should really think about repenting." are two commands we often most get in a (healthy) church. Yet the way we use the word "should" is really quite different than the bible uses it, mostly because the Hebrew language doesn't seem to have the feature of "should". Any verb would just be conjugated in the sense that it's a future hypothetical, but never a command. "It is not good that man should be alone." 

    Last night a friend on base here and I were talking, and she mentioned that it's really not good at all to say "should" because of the response that happens fairly automatically of guilt when that "should" is not fulfilled. That guilt response can look differently in many people, but as someone who really like to be honest, and pursues it strongly, I could understand what she was saying. The thing is when I don't fulfill something as fully as I "could've" or "should've", so often the problem comes from within where I know I could've done better, or feel strongly that the product I made was lack luster, or will never measure up to how I envisioned it. I've really just now been thinking about this concept, and am now realizing just how often I think in "shoulds." 

    My mom often said something like "shoulda, coulda, woulda." While I'm unsure as to the effects of this emotionally in myself, I do know that often I felt guilty because of this phrase, or somehow knew what was produced could've been much better. Frankly, now, it will be best to start deleting each of these words from my vocabulary. Now I must look at the fruits I am bearing currently, and rejoice with God in that. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm reaching new avenues of repentance and purity in the Lord, and am really starting to see the fruits of the Spirit in my personal life and relationships. Where before I don't know how patient or gentle I'd be, I know that those are things that are newly available to me, and the tool of forgiveness and praise are two that are most valuable for those wanting to reach closer to the Lord. 

    Reader I bless you in the mighty name of Jesus. I bless you with the reality in Heaven written about you, of how proud your Father in Heaven is of you, and how He smiles and His heart glows when He thinks of you. I bless you in acknowledging his presence in your daily life, and with the ability and revelation to continue to see his work throughout your day. I bless you with every spiritual blessing that Christ, through His sacrifice has afforded to us. I bless you in your walk with your brothers and sisters in unity, that you might see and find new depths of love for your brothers and sisters, but also for your love in Jesus. I bless you with the faith of the Son, and the repentance of His Priesthood. Amen.

Intimacy

    I have tended to think that nearly every person I've ever met has a problem with intimacy. But I know that I have had a huge problem with intimacy and it always falls back to how I've comforted myself in the past. It's not always easy to admit that I was a slave to sexual immorality, pornography and masturbation, but I was and it was how I received and made intimacy for myself for a very long time. Recently I've been walking with a beloved brother who has walked me through deep and effective repentance in that, and I owe it to God and him that I'm now feeling so much more comfortable even talking about what I've struggled with, and where I've come from. Of course I still struggle, and still get temptation. But now it's easy to identify where the temptation is attacking, and I'm much more able to see the designs God has made me with and how He'd like me to receive intimacy. 

    Some of the ways that have seemed popular between God and I to receive intimacy has been through music, sound, and frequencies. I wouldn't have even known there was a layer of intimacy I could have with God in this area specifically if I hadn't started listening to His voice. So with that I've begun to learn the significance of words of affirmation for me, especially when I can receive them. I used to have a block for a while specifically regarding whether I felt worthy to receive a word of encouragement, and I fought with inferiority quite a bit. Throughout my journey that is certainly one of the things that God has addressed with me, and has helped me to continue to overcome. Where most of us know about love languages, I think they're very simply the most basic of principles, and there's a lot more to discover there besides the five bases most often discussed.

    One of the ways I love receiving intimacy with God is especially during worship and communal music. Many times I hear extra voices/instruments being played while the music or worship is happening, often either something I feel guided toward, or will try to harmonize with. While it's acquiescing toward my design and love of music, I also believe that even non-musicians can hear/discern when heavenly angels or witnesses in the cloud are singing with us. Or even when God sings along or directly toward us, which wherewith I've mentioned, is by far the most powerful intimacy and satisfying thing to hear, and something I often am most fascinated and awed by. 

    This, I think, is the root and principle of intimacy that we should all look for in the character of God. What are we awed by? What part of the character of God do we get the most "Fear of the Lord" from? 

    I long for the day I can hear the seven thunders thunder, and would love to put what it sounds like in a worship song. I desire to hear the Son of Man and as He speaks with His multitude of voices to hear what it'd sound like. Yet this is the desire that I can enjoy. For one, it is my desires placed in Jesus, and if I continue to keep in mind all of the things in 2 Peter 1:3-7 my goal of intimacy with my Lord may just be fulfilled. We all desire something, and frankly I used to desire fulfillment through means of satisfying the flesh. Now I desire to know more intimately my Lord and Savior, and this is a desire I will keep.