Looking up you see color beginning to fade, the waves brushing your arm, ever so slightly inviting you deeper, cold upon your neck, her icy breath whispering for you to allow your body to come into her bosom. You feel your body lift by the next wave that comes in on the full moon tide. You close your eyes, understanding that what you've always wanted is found in the denial of everything you cared about. You knew you were going to be hurt. You knew you'd get betrayed, that people might never be trustworthy, that the beauty of letting go would finally arrest your worries and anxiety. You feel yourself being pulled backward, the backstabbing seeming to fall away as the weightlessness of the water numbs you. The black waters assuaging your wounds, carrying them away as the weightlessness of your life dissolves like the sand washing away from your skin. The waters enter your mouth, forcing you to swallow bitterness and regrets. You can feel your lungs on fire yet you don't struggle. This torture was just as meaningless as the loveless world you were apart of. The acrid water continues melting your brain, as your body begs and convulses, waiting for oxygen to return to you. Yet everything you decided had led up to this. You deny your deep need for connection One. More. Time.
Black.
.
.
"The pain was real you know." you hear someone say. "We're going to have to go back though."
Gray.
A star, a flash of lightning. Red, blue, sirens wailing. Voices scream someone is yelling. CRASH! Why are they yelling so loud? You wonder. SLAP! Another thunderclap, making your ears ring, realization dawns, you awaken, the burning in your lungs forces itself up your throat and you're leaning over a railing, retching mucus and bile you'd been carrying, over someone's feet. Someone pats your back, rubbing away the deep-seated scars those you loved had left there. Anger wells up "why am I back?!" You yell out. "I thought I was done!"
"Vanity" you hear "Doesn't mean your life was meaningless to me."
"Who said that?" You ask looking at the honest eyes of the nice people in blue suits, who had drawn you from the water.
"Vanity" you hear again "Doesn't mean I don't suffer with you." You shake your head.
Scrunching your eyebrows you ask "what does that mean?" The eyes stared back at you as you questioned them. The one whose feet were covered in your bile combs your hair out of your eyes. "You're beautiful you know." You're taken aback. Had you EVER heard that before? Would you even have believed it except from a guy whose feet were covered by what almost got you killed?
Maybe... "Who are you? Why did you save me tonight? You ask.
"I'm a follower, and Jesus is trying to tell you about His plan for your life. Since you don't want it, He gave it back and died so that you may live. So go, and live your life for He who saved it, for He will live within you, and be with you all of your days."
You stumble out of the white room, back to your old house, stumbling down your old driveway, walking into your old bedroom, with your old posters and books covering the walls, an old plate that had your old dinner half-eaten. Yet you walked in as a new person, someone who knew they were loved, who had a life that was new.
(Disclaimer: if you or a loved one you know struggle with the desire to commit suicide, or need help in this specific area call the hotline 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them online. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ there is people to help you in your time of need. Don't be afraid to get help.)
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