Emotions pt. 2

     Often times in the world we're told to trust our hearts. You hear it in movies fairly often, especially in kids' movies when the child is curious as to what they should do. For me, I know that I have a hard time even trusting myself. I don't often know what I'm doing, and it often causes a pain in me that is hard to overcome without Jesus. It doesn't help that I often wonder if I'm truly capable of anything magnificent or extraordinary and whether I was truly designed for these great works in bringing a generation to God. I may be able to do my part, and I may be able to speak the truth, but I can not imagine myself having a grand impact on the hearts of others in any great multitude.

    The thing about these thoughts, and as painful as it is to admit, I would only be deceiving myself if I were to do these great big works without the glory of God in my heart and mind. The other thing is that if I were truly interested in the Kingdom of God first, I may never get to these works, and may just live a pretty normal life. Yet this is the tension that I feel, that because I have these desires to be winning souls to the Lord, He must've been the one who put them there. That is probably true, but even if I have the desire it will go unfulfilled unless I allow Him to fulfill it in the way He wants to, and for that these desires, even the ones He's given me, must be given back to Him. 

    So, in short, this is what I've been feeling as of late. These are the emotions I'm dealing with, and I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself because that's the only way to process these emotions without walking further into self-deception. Many websites, when you research "how to process emotions" simply say something like "feel them!". As helpful as that can be, at least for me, it leaves quite a bit to be desired as far as helpfulness and practicality. What's been most helpful for me is to find an adequate label for these emotions, and if necessary find a root or problem that could be causing them. For instance, nowadays I have to look inside and remark whether I find jealousy when someone else gets assigned to a task or given an opportunity to minister a certain way. This is easily combated with a C.S Lewis quote "If you are no longer needed would you be able to stand it?" - The Four Loves. Yet, how much it hurts to look myself in the mirror and know that I am not necessary for this context is a lot. It's easy for me to be needed, but it is very hard to not be needed. 

    If I were to put it in a metaphor of sorts I might say this: I feel that to be legitimate I must do, I must put in work, and I must be producing. Yet the pain is that there is nothing for me to do, there is no work that I am being assigned, and there are not fruits that I am producing. But, I must be able to say "that is enough." I don't need to be needed. To be is enough.