This Morning I Woke Up

It started what felt like midway through a dream. A voice with a note of aggressive hatred toward me telling me "you are worthless, never will be. In fact, you're good for absolutely nothing. You suck." In the dream, I heard and felt myself mumbling the words that were trying to express the thought of "get out in Jesus' name!" After I mumbled this and felt myself lurching out of sleep I looked around and opened my eyes. Had I just woken up from a dream? Was what just happened real? I hadn't felt that sort of faithlessness that I felt for the first couple minutes after I woke up for a long time. Almost as if I was left completely bare just to be thrown down against my bed in a panic-inducing sort of feeling that could only tell me "your entire life leading up to this point has been a lie, you're not being protected, and you are completely left open to whatever creatures desire access to you." I stared at the ceiling for a while, asking myself what had just happened truly. 

Then I realized that the creature had resorted to yelling because I was beginning to give it pushback to the whispered lies that it tried to tell me throughout the day, and that my submission to it was beginning to slip from its fingers. I pondered writing this down right after it happened but didn't know whether I wanted to document such a happening. It was scary, life-drawing, and I was a bit bitter that something like this had happened at all. This is coming after a couple weeks of what has felt like a real and true breakthrough, with my relationship with God, with the people around me, and with my own personal struggles that I have been walking through. It has come after a couple ecstatic experiences looking and seeing glimpses of the holy true light. Yet I can't help but wonder if it's something on the land rather than on me. 

I haven't had issues with that specific thing since the other night, but I also haven't bothered to clear out spiritually visible iniquity of my little spot in the house. When I get back there, I guess I know the first thing I'm going to do.