Brooding

Today I looked back at my history. Back to a distant part of me that I haven't seen for a very long time, a time when I had a black dog as my best friend, when I had no idea about heavenly hosts, beings or demons, but thought that hell was here on Earth. I had written poetry even back then, brooding in the dark over how much I longed to be out. I looked back at my distant relationships, how I found meaning in what I thought of as "love" and how much I thought I mattered, and really only used the other person for my training or education. I look back and see the performance mindset that riddled my every cell, that perfectionist inside of me that so desired to be recognized as perfect and honest, but knowing I could hardly be honest with myself. 

Then I look at the external situation of my past, of my hopelessness, of my injuries that I don't need to hold on to, of the abuses that I endured not thinking it was even abuse. Still I battle with giving people the benefit of the doubt and it has been a long battle of trusting people with my emotions and being. Technically, however, God only truly commands us to trust in Him. 

There's still a part of me that wholeheartedly disagrees with putting my heart out on the table for all to examine. I've long struggled with self-hate, and self-distrust. I have struggled with pleasure-seeking and relationships for the sake of fulfilling selfish desires. I have struggled with the idea that I'm just one fake person moving from being fake somewhere else to being fake in an entirely new way. Often times I struggle with my talents and giftings, and battle constantly with valuing others well. Inherently I also battle frequently with my own value as well as the value of others. 

However I also am at a place of reflection for the purpose of seeing how much I've changed and adapted. Who I came from and who I am becoming, and besides all the baggage I stopped carrying I also see how I've grown to be more honest in my beliefs with others and have grown in valuing where I am and who I am with. I've come to realize that sharing lives with the people whom I love is very valuable, and being able to get to know people, culture, languages and jumping out of my comfort zone has been liberating to say the least, but the only one who gets the glory is God and God alone. For Him and through Him have I been made anew and changed into a more influential and positive individual. For Him and Through Him I have learned how to feel again. It is He who has freed me from myself.